February 10, 2002

Ice skaters must clean up their acts after complaints the sport is becoming obscene. Revealing routines — such as women being held upside down with their legs akimbo — have been banned ahead of next month’s Winter Olympics.

Judges will now deduct points for dirty dancing as bosses fear the family-friendly sport is in danger of attracting the wrong kind of spectator.

Nick Russell, director of the National Ice Skating Association, said: “As couples try to be more entertaining, they produce moves that are gynaecological, which is about as politely as it can be put.”

Nancy Meiss, a US judge, said: “If I want a young man waving his partner’s assets in my face, I can rent a porn movie.”

Canadian Ann Shaw said: “When partners are tossed around there will be instances when photographers get unfortunate shots.”

When Paperless readers heard of the bullying going on by the judging committee, they were outraged - so much that they started a movement - the PINK RIBBON campaign, to keep crotch shots in figure skating, where they rightfully belong.

What do we really care about figure skating, you ask? Isn't seeing Team Canada play hockey the only thing we give a shit about? Isn't there enough poon on the Internet to not worry about losing it in figure skating? As I mentioned last month:

Contrary to popular beliefs perpetuated in Budweiser commercials, all males don't hate figure skating with a passion. However, if it weren't for the occasional crotch shot, the stereotypes would all be true. All males (even Elvis Stojko) would hate the "sport".

Okay, so the Olympics are upon us this weekend, crotch shots or not. In honour of the occasion, the Paperless one will be Photoshopping pics on www.fark.com that have a distinct Olympic flair to them: