POPE:  That's it - you're kissing my hand in a lustful manner!  You're outta here!

This week, U.S. Cardinals are going to see Pope John Paul to find out how much "altar boy action" is allowable by the Roman Catholic Church. 

For those of you keeping score at home, here's the corporate heirarchy of the Catholic Church (courtesy of CNN):

Got it?  Let's continue.

Pope John Paul II is said to be taking a hardline stance on the frequent issue of abuse in the Catholic Church.  He is said to be sick of the "dirty old man" looks he gets from passersby in the Vatican Galleria.  He is expected to announce a "zero tolerance" policy on altar-boy diddling, as opposed to the current "ask not, tell not, and feed them lots of cookies" policy that is currently being practiced in the Church.

Many feel that the Pope's refusal to revoke religious doctrine that prevents Catholic Priests from marrying is the prime reason for the level of problems in the Church.  The two-day summit this week will address this issue, as well as appropriate discipline for pervert priests, and the number of abuse cases it should take before a priest can be legitimately labeled a "pervert" will also be up for discussion.

Prominent Jewish leaders laugh at the problems within the Catholic Church.

"We do it in public and call it a bris - nobody gives us any schlep about it", explained an area Rabbi yesterday.