October 28, 2001

U.S. Turns Back the Clock, Gets Extra Hour to Bomb the Fuck out of Afghanistan

October 28, 2001

Soldiers synchronize watches do standard time last night

Clocks shifted back one hour at 2 a.m. Sunday, local time, giving an extra hour of sleep to most people Saturday night -- and an extra hour of work to those who work the overnight shift.

And the change to Standard Time means that military personnel in Afghanistan had an extra hour to bomb the fuck out of the Taliban.

"We are at a significant gain today," reported a key military figure. "When we turned the clocks forward in the spring, we were not bombing the fuck out of Afghanistan. Now, we are, and this strategy has given us 60 minutes of advantage over the Taliban, who do not participate in setting their clocks back."

Military strategists agree that this move could put the U.S. initiative at a substantial advantage, providing they wrap their campaign up before next spring. Should the campaign continue past the spring, the loss of an hour could annul any gain made last night.

Historians note that the ten-year war that Afghanistan waged with Russia took place entirely without any adjustment of the clock. The Russians retreated after a long, winless battle.

Sure, the extra hour last night helped the military, but did it help civilians?

"Of course it did...if only one more person had a better night's sleep last night after getting that extra hour, they might have awoke a little more eager to pick up Windows XP," reported a Redmond spokesman.

Web surfers are also banking on the extra hour enjoyed by late-night web designers to have been put to good use making a virtual cornucopia of Osama bin Laden propaganda.

"Expect the quality of any Osama material that you see in the next couple of days to be at least one hour better than anything you saw last week," predicted an anonymous web developer this morning.

A spokesman for Timex reminded us that although most of the Taliban could be tricked by the concept of "daylight savings time", such and advantage would not be effective on Osama bin Laden.

Osama proudly wears the Timex Ironman Triathlon watch, which features automatic daylight savings time adjustment in digital mode, as well as world times from up to five time zones. With such a finely crafted American timepiece, bin Laden would be privy to any information regarding chronological rollbacks and take the required defensive action to maintain his safety.