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Still Scared Into Submission... November 11, 2001
Since I can't remember the column, it must have been a lie, or not very memorable (maybe both!). Over a month later, the Paperless One is finally able to stop being drawn to CNN's slanted coverage of the "war" effort. Ironically, on November 11th - Remembrance Day, we are still remembering the events of September 11th. We remember them every time Paula Zahn shows a video clip of U.S. soldiers bombing "strategic targets" in large Afghan cities, as she feels compelled to remind viewers of reason why these events are happening: "We know these are horrific images, but remember that Osama was a bad boy, and Afghanistan will continue to suffer the consequences until that nasty Taliban makes him go stand in the corner." Every time.
After all, we can't look at Nic Robertson 24 hours a day - he has to recharge his batteries, and would leave us all wondering - "I hope CNN pays that crazy fucker well!". Not everyone can get whisked away for a top-secret interview with Osama bin Laden, either. However, if this interview is actually legitimate, some key points stand out as interesting. Bin Laden claims he is not against ALL AMERICANS, just AMERICAN POLICY. He also points out that the victims of the terrorist attacks weren't ordinary citizens - they were representatives of America's corporate might. While these statements might simply be viewed as mere propaganda, they bear an eerie resemblance to the lines we hear every time we see choppy long-distance video of "strategic targets" being blown up in Mazar-e Sharif.
While you're watching the scenario play out like history has before, El Presidente's popularity will continue to skyrocket. You might even believe that anal cavity searches at the airport are "okay", as will be tapped phone lines and monopolized control over the media.
Wait a minute... That already happened? I'm heading for my bunker. I'll let you know if Osama phones me - even if it is just to see "K-Pax" one more time, or to brag about how he bopped Prince Charles in the head with a carnation. Osama just loves that Kevin Spacey, you know...
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A few weeks ago (when this site started getting more than a dozen visitors a day, courtesy of people trolling my columns in "Dr. Laura" newsgroups), The Paperless One is convinced that 
Since the start of October, the word "ANTHRAX!" has been said with a mandatory exclamation point by everyone on CNN, just to make sure you're listening. Even though more people have been killed by lightning (0.8 people per day) than the wave of ANTHRAX! has affected, Americans are all shaking in their boots every time they reach into their mailboxes. Sure, there is a legitimate fear nestled inside all of the hype, but the majority of the ANTHRAX! fear can be attributed to the ANTHRAX! hype, and the ANTHRAX! hype is nothing more than a symptom of not having much else to talk about.
Keep telling yourself that the U.S. government's standpoint on world issues had nothing to do with September 11th, and you too will soon forget the fiasco that led to the swearing in of George W. Bush. You'll also forget how his political path bears a strikingly scary resemblance to that of his father. Keep watching CNN, and you might even buy into the theory that Iraq was involved in these incidents - you'll become so pent-up with rage that you'll forget how Georgie-boy and his cast of oil-company affiliated henchpeople (Chevron board member Condoleezza Rice, Haliburton Oil Company executive Dick Cheney, et al) may use the current wave of blind fury to settle "an unfinished score" with Iraq on behalf of his father.
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