March 11, 2001

Rodgered by Rogers...

March 11, 2001

Remember that nasty column from last year about Rogers cable? Well, they still haven't gotten off their collective asses and wired my area up so that I could enjoy their much-advertised @Home high-speed Internet service. Also, since the Leafs are doing so poorly these days, the Paperless One also has a longing to see some real hockey, and without a "wired" neighbourhood, we can't get the NHL Center Ice package, either.

To add to the ante, my poor, pathetic analog cable feed is starting to resemble the reception level I'd expect from a pair of bunny ears or a Yagi antenna!

Enough is enough! The Paperless One simply said "Fuck it!" one day and went out and bought a Bell ExpressVu mini satellite dish. These days, the Paperless One is a happy camper. Not only does ExpressVu feature crystal-clear reception (even with a dish that the Paperless One put up himself at 10 pm on a Friday night, and had activated within an hour!), but it also features an on-screen programming guide and a plethora of content.

All of the major U.S. networks are represented by east coast and west coast feeds, as well as CBC, Global, and CTV affiliates from every major Canadian city, making "timeshifting" a convenient way to avoid missing a program. It's not ReplayTV, but it's pretty damn good.

At the risk of sounding like Mike Bullard, this system kicks ass! After The Paperless One strung a phone line into the back of his new receiver, he became able to instantly order $4.00 pay-per-view movies and $8.00 porn flicks at the click of a remote.

But that's not all!

The stars now feed almost every NHL game into the Paperless abode with the Center Ice package, which is more hockey than you can shake a stick at, allowing us to watch and attempt to jinx the Ottawa Senators at every opportunity.

Is there a drawback?

There are a couple - first, I miss the Buffalo ABC affiliate, and their "It's 11:00 - do you know where your children are?" cliché, and I also miss being able to tape one program and watch another. However, as soon as I find one for the right price, I will be adding a second receiver to my stable so that I can watch and tape more programming, as well as tune in to something tolerable when Mrs. Paperless is watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

If the Junior Paperless One could be a spokesman, he would as well, for he gets the opportunity to watch 5 or 6 different episodes of "Teletubbies" and "Blue's Clues" per day!

The only thing I wonder about all this is...why did I wait so long? Possibly it was because I enjoyed having to shell out an ever-increasing $50 a month in blocks of three months in advance to a company who has spent millions to taunt me about their services, yet not a penny to attempt to deliver them to me!

See you later, Rogers. It's been fun.