January 14, 2001

S'cuse me, can I see yer meat?

January 14, 2001

Here's a classic tale that could only happen in a place like Brantford:

A 21-year old man was arrested following an unusual incident at the Brant Food Centre on Grey Street.

Police said that a man entered the store at about 4 pm, apporached an employee and said he was a health inspector there to inspect meat.

The man wore a white hard hat and was carrying a laptop computer. When asked for some identification by a skeptical employee, the man said he'd have to retrieve it from his car.

He left the store and drove away. Store staff called the police.

Officers located a suspect and arrested him. A knife and a hammer were seized. (Brantford Expositor)

Now, kids. This is no way to pick up women - not even in Brantford, where lines like "Scuse me, can I see yer meat?" are commonplace. The Paperless One does not condone such activity, and is grateful for the hilarious antics of the locals to break up the monotony of "IN THE COURTS" articles regarding wife-beating and car-thieving.

The guy in question got off easy, being from a place like Brantford. Had the Toronto Sun been covering the story, it may have went something like this:

WHAT A MEATHEAD!!!

Brantford Police opened up a can of whoop-ass on a local goon for imersonating Mike Harris' Minister of Meat.

The incident took place at a local (meat) market, where the (crazy-ass bastard) entered, wearing a white hard hat and sporting a (ThinkPad). The thug pushed his weight around with store staff, claiming to be a Meat Inspector.

"The (crazy fucker) didn't look like no (sic) meat inspector," said an unnamed shopper who was in the store when the incident occurred.

"He says, "Scuse me, can I see yer meat?" and then when asked to provide some ID, he bailed for his car and (fucked) off."

Police were quick on the scene to wrestle a wacky freakazoid to the ground and seize a variety of manual and semiautomatic weapons.

The local computer paper may have also featured a version of the story:

IBM BUTCHERY!

A local meat market was raided by a wannabee meat inspector on Saturday. The man, who was wearing a white hard hat, asked to inspect the store's meat, as he was masquerading as a meat inspector. He was also wielding a Pentium III - 700 mHz IBM ThinkPad, fully equipped with a 20 GB hard drive, 256 MB of SDRAM, and a DVD-ROM drive. Such a computer would have been the envy of everyone in the Meat Inspection department of Ontario's Ministry of Meat, as many of them are still working off of Pentium II machines, which has caused much malignment in the Meat Inspection procedures as of late. Go vegetarian!

The Paperless One really hopes that all of the meat inspection equipment was seized. Until next week, catch you later!!!