April 1, 2001

Tie Domi the Intended Victim of Cannibalism

April 1, 2001

Falcone falls into the lap of Tie It's now the talk of the town: in Philadelphia, Toronto Maple Leaf enforcer Tie Domi fought a fight that he really wasn't expecting. Domi wrestled with a spectator who fell into the penalty box when a glass pane collapsed during the Maple Leafs' 2-1 victory Thursday night over the Philadelphia Flyers.

"Hey that's old time hockey, it was perfect," Domi said, laughing. "Hey, he comes into my territory, that's what happens."

Domi - who was serving an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty along with Flyers defenceman Luke Richardson at 3:36 of the third period - had sprayed fan Chris Falcone with a water bottle twice before the incident, as unruly fans located above the penalty box were alleged to have soaked the Leaf tough guy with beer.

However, it turns out that Falcone was not simply being a Philadelphia hockey buffoon - he had cannibalism on his mind. Samples of the "beer" taken from the jersey of Tie Domi indicate that the substance poured on him was in fact SEASONING, and when Falcone was removed from the arena, he was found to be carrying a vast assortment of eating utensils.

I eat you man! Domi, once known as the little guy who has always led the Buds in penalty minutes, has taken on a new persona this past year after "beefing up" with a personal trainer and also rising to the top-half of the Leafs' goal-scoring chart, as well as inheriting Sergei Berezin's title as "Leafs fastest skater".

"Such improvements to Domi's condition would make him a more appealing target to cannibals", reported Philadelphia behaviour analyst Dexter Mulholland.

The most interesting part of the story is the bizarre website that Falcone is alleged to be part of. When wrestled off of Domi by quick-reflexed NHL refs, Falcone began grabbing his shirt and pointing to a URL on a logo on the front of it.

WWW.MANBEEF.COM is, not coincidentally, a Philadelphia-based website that offers cannibalistic consumers the opportunity to purchase human flesh products in the anonymity and comfort of their own homes.