September 28, 2003

Dave Matthews rolls through Central Park like a trailer full of toilets

September 28, 2003

The Dave Matthews Band delivered the concert of their careers in front of more than 100,000 fans in New York City's Central Park Wednesday (September 24). The show, dubbed AOL's Concert For The Crapper, raised more than $2 million on behalf of New York City's education system, which will be spent on ridding the schools in Queens and Harlem of the outdoor port-a-potties that plague the education system in the areas. After the first song, lead singer Dave Matthews told the audience, "So nice to run into you in the park here, the greatest park in the world, and the greatest city in world. Feel free to use the Johnnys-on-the-spot - we're not only giving money to the school system, but we're donating feces as well."

The Dave Matthews Band delighted the crowd with 20 songs, all rich in feces, during their three-hour set. Many members of the 100,000-strong crowd found themselves having to do one or even two bowel movements over the course of Matthews' lengthy set.

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg said the members of the Dave Matthews Band are not just "shitty" musicians, but "shitty" citizens as well, because they donated their time to help the city's schools' "shitters". "The Dave Matthews Band, they care," Bloomberg said. "They're great musicians but they are, not corporate citizens, they're citizens with beautiful bathroom manners. They don't squeeze the Charmin, they flush twice, and they turn on the fan when they leave the john!"

Dave Matthews said he was honored to be able to take a dump at Central Park without having to use a leaf to wipe. "There really could be no greater honor for us then to have all of these port-a-potties here," Matthews said. "And then the fact that it benefits the future of our country by helping the schools, which is something that's too often is neglected it seems for other things, is just an enormous shit-covered cherry on top."

The event was marred by the death of a 51-year-old on Tuesday. The man was crushed by the huge number of portable toilets that had to be brought on site on a flatbed truck. Matthews dedicated "When the World Ends" to the victim of the toilet-crushing, lamenting that it was a "shitty way to go".