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September 2, 2001

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Talking to Hank 

September 2, 2001

Who the hell is Hank, you ask?

Hank is Coca-Cola's "virtual representative".  He has been programmed to answer all of the questions you may have about Coca-Cola.

Let's try:

We ask:  Who invented Coca-Cola?

Hank says:Coca-Cola was invented in May 1886 by Dr. John S. Pemberton in Atlanta, Georgia. The name "Coca-Cola" was suggested by Dr. Pemberton's bookkeeper, Frank Robinson. He penned the name Coca-Cola in the flowing script that is famous today. Coca-Cola was first sold at a soda fountain in Jacob's Pharmacy in Atlanta by Willis Venable. During the first year, sales of Coca-Cola averaged nine drinks a day, adding up to total sales for that year of $50. Since the year's expenses were just over $70, Dr. Pemberton took a loss. Today, products of The Coca-Cola Company are consumed at the rate of more than one billion drinks per day.

We ask:  How does Coca-Cola bring back the dead?

Hank says:Our world headquarters are located in Atlanta, Georgia.

We ask:  Do you drink Pepsi?

Hank says: Never.

We ask:  Did "New Coke" really taste like horse piss?

Hank says:We introduced new Coke in the U.S. in April of 1985. It had a different formula than the original Coca-Cola. During our extensive test-marketing, consumers had shown a preference for this new formula. Shortly after the introduction of new Coke, we reintroduced the original formula as Coca-Cola classic. New Coke, which is now called Coke II, is still available in very select metro areas. If you are interested in trying Coke II, we recommend you contact your local bottler to determine if it's sold in your area.

We ask:  Is Coke better than heroin?

Hank says:I am sorry. I didn't understand. Did you say yes or no?

We ask:  What is your God's name?

Hank says:My name is Hank. I am The Coca-Cola Company's vRep character.

We ask:   Isn't Nutra Sweet the spawn of Satan?

Hank says:Aspartame is a low-calorie sweetener made primarily of two amino acids, aspartic acid and phenylalanine. Amino acids, including the two amino acids in aspartame, are the building blocks for proteins and are found widely in nature in both plants and animals. The components of aspartame are found naturally in a number of foods. Milk (8 oz., 403 mg) and chicken (3 oz., 1,026 mg) contain more phenylalanine than a soft drink sweetened with aspartame (8 oz., ranges from approximately 10 to 85 mg).

We ask:  Has anyone ever been fired for masturbating in the vats of Coca-Cola products?

Hank says:That wasn't very nice. I'm here to help you with your questions about The Coca-Cola Company.

 

Sorry, Hank.

We ask:  Can we make it up to you by getting you a $20 hooker?

Hank smiles again.

We ask:  Has anyone ever shat a log in a vat of Coke?

Hank says:Would you like a transcription of our conversation?

We ask:  How much do you pay your Indonesian workers?

Hank says:The performance review process is a joint responsibility between associate and manager. Performance feedback and coaching are ongoing activities that culminate in the annual performance review. Through the review discussion, the associate gains a clearer understanding of job expectations, receives feedback on the accomplishment of goals and objectives, discusses strengths and plans further development.

For more information about careers at The Coca-Cola Company, click here.

To shoot the shit with Hank, click here.

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