March 4, 2001
I saw a disturbing thing today. The heartstrings of the Paperless One were tugged on, and have left me feeling rather violated as a result.
You see, the Paperless One just got a new satellite dish (more tales of the dish will appear next week, but allow me to vent about this first), and woke up early to catch some TV before journeying off to work. I used to have 75 channels where nothing good was on at certain points of the day, but now I have 200 channels where nothing good is on at certain points of the day, with the exception of the Newfoundland version of "Breakfast Television".
While channel hopping, I stumbled upon an infomercial for Greenpeace. For a moment, I thought, "they've come a long way from a bunch of hippies in rusty old boats - they have high-budget infomercials", so I stayed tuned.
Within minutes, I realized that not much had really changed. There were the hippies in the rusty old boats that I had associated with Greenpeace of days gone by. Within minutes, they had successfully made me feel guilty for enjoying steaks, printing on only one side of "the paper", and driving a big car. They had also pointed out what most of us already know - that big business is scum, and are raping the earth into oblivion.
What I hadn't bargained for was this: Rebecca De Mornay.
The very mention of the name either conjures up images of her doing Leonard Cohen in real life, or fucking Tom Cruise in "Risky Business" on a subway train. Many a teenage boy's wet dream, here was Ms. De Mornay pleading for my money to help stop the destruction of the rainforest.
What's wrong with this picture? How about a little education? If certain companies are butchering Canada's ancient forests, how about blowing the whistle on them and making us all the wiser, rather than taking me on a guilt trip at 6 in the morning!
As guilt (and the visions of Rebecca mounting Tommy-boy in that giant living room) turned my mind to mush almost enough to reach for the old credit card, it struck me. Here is an actress who makes more money for acting in a single film than the Paperless One (or you!) will likely make in his entire life, asking ME for money.
Like I said earlier, I felt violated. I was set up by a bunch of hippies in a rusty old boat! They thrust Rebecca De Mornay at me and she almost made a grab for my wallet!
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to trash what Greenpeace do. They look out for the best interest of the earth, something the majority of us evil bastards stopped doing long ago. They remind us that we are an apathetic bunch who live in a disposable society hell-bent on destroying our very selves. They serve as a watchdog against the major food conglomerates who are toying around with Genetically Modified Organisms without our consent or knowledge.
However, on this morning, they also used illegal weaponry on me! Was Rebecca De Mornay simply lending her name to a cause she believed in, or was her multi-million dollar smile simply mocking us all, serving as a reminder that the entire world is "big business", even those who are vehemently opposed to it in principle.
We can't win. While we're accepting of the rainforest destruction that comes with our "paper plates and Bounty" lifestyle, we also accept that Hollywood is an island, as is the world of professional sports. Who do you think "sponsors" the sports world and the "entertainment industry"? The very same "big business" that drills for oil in the Arctic, the very same companies who genetically modify food organisms to get more bang for their buck, and the very same companies who employ 12-year-olds in Indonesia to make shoes for us.
For a brief moment, I almost felt guilty. However, a bunch of Hollywood harlots telling me that my personal greed is destroying the earth, and that I need to redeem myself by shelling out hard-earned money to Greenpeace for redemption is just a bit more shit than I can shovel!