June 17, 2001
The Paperless One has always received a shiver down his spine upon the sight of the "Church" of Scientology in downtown Toronto. The building, located on a Yonge Street corner, has many floors and compels passers-by to wonder what goes on in those many windows. Of course, the windows all seem to have Venetian blinds drawn, and short of seeing "Battlefield Earth" or reading L. Ron Hubbard's books, one may never know what goes on inside the world of Scientology.
No one I know actually is a Scientologist, yet having seen the works of a number of celebrities like Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Tom Cruise, and Nancy Cartwright (yes, the voice of Bart Simpson - cue the conspiracy theories now), I feel that they might not be all that bad.
After all, I know a lot of Christians, and aside from seeing them engage in mass cult-like behaviour from time to time, they seem quite normal as well!
Does "Battlefield Earth" give us a glimpse of the future from the visionary L. Ron Hubbard, who has previously tackled late-night infomercials and the recruitment of celebrities to strengthen the ranks of the Scientologist cult? Or is it just psychosomatic fodder for those who feel that the future need be shaped by the science fiction of yesterday and today in order to adhere to some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy agenda?
Does "Battlefield Earth" have anything to do with "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar? After all, both were allegedly groundbreaking (Pat's video for being the first to feature narrative tracks not on the original song, so "Pop-Up Video" tells me.
"It's nice to know you can be a cause of your life as well as an effect," John Travolta, said of his Scientology training. "It's a logical and very sane way of living. I don't get upset as easily as I used to. I don't think I could have handled my success as well without it."
So I suppose it's no coincidence that John Travolta disappeared out of the post-1980's limelight and resurfaced in Quentin Tarantino's "Pulp Fiction". Now he's a huge box office draw, as is Tom Cruise, who screams "conspiracy theory" as well, as it is evident that Cruise's staying power has more to do with an "external source" than running a string of hit films that hasn't died down since "Risky Business".
As for "Battlefield Earth", the movie didn't exactly do the box-office wonders that Scientologists had hoped it would. There were more kids walking around singing "Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker!" (the catchy song of Terrance and Phillip of "South Park" fame), than there were kids "delving into the popular sci-fi works of L. Ron Hubbard". The whole plan sort of backfired actually. Sighs of relief were heard everywhere but the Travolta compound.
It seems as though the masses aren't as stupid as everyone thinks...or are they?
Cue more conspiracy theories, kids. Was "Battlefield Earth" merely a test run for a true Scientology vehicle that has yet to come? Maybe it all really has something to do with "All Your Base Belong To Us"? After all, the Internet seems like the perfect vehicle for spreading the gospel. Could it be that the Internet, increasingly being monopolized by people with cult-leader-like names like Stratton Sclavos, is actually the creation of a cult?!?
You all know how fast the "virus du jour" tends to spread throughout the Internet - especially when it involves popular workplace-oriented e-mail clients. How concerned would you be if you found out that virus scanner software companies were cutting cheques to Scientologists? Makes you wonder, huh?
It made people in Germany a little nervous too, when they found out that the "Defrag" program in Windows 2000 was developed by Scientologists. Microsoft even put up a Knowledge Base article detailing how to rid the OS of the Scientologist Defrag program.
I'm sure this has something to do with a cult, too (see picture above, then click the link). I was right! The Internet is evil!