Happy Holidays, Kids, From Your Pal, Osama
December 23, 2001
Merry Christmas from your pal Osama Claus!
Look up in the sky! You will find me delivering Kalashnakovs to all good boys and...okay, just to boys, but don't get the wrong idea about Osama Claus. He's no "Sexist Pig" as you Americans might say! He couldn't get by without women, you know. He needs his wives just like your daddy does! He just has the sense to keep more than one of them, you know.
Unfortunately, these days, Osama hasn't been getting his share, if you know what I mean!!! My Al Quaeda mates are certainly missing my catch phrase, "Smell my beard!", and your pal Osama has been forced to hang his boxer shorts up on a line all by himself.
Remember, kids - Osama tests children all year long, so if you get a call from me or one of my elves, be sure to answer the call and do as I say. Past "good little boys" like John Walker will tell you, it's Christmas 365 days a year over here!
Be sure to watch Al Jazeera for my very own Christmas special. Remember, Allah is the reason for the season, and even filthy American capitalist pigs can't stop your pal Osama from singing!